“Even When It Hurts” (An adoption story – learning to trust God’s will)

1 Corinthians 2:9 – “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him…”

This verse takes me back to a church service a few weeks back where the message’s theme centered around the need to focus on desiring Christ’s presence in our lives. You see – about 3.5 years ago, my husband and I began trying to conceive our first child – after over a year of failed attempts, month after month, we began exploring other options. Eventually, after coming to the option of adoption- our conversations came to sudden hault. It was as if we both knew this was the path for us yet we were so uncertain about it that neither one of us was really jumping for the reigns to take charge. We had countless discussions surrounding IVF, IUI, surgeries, and more – and each and every time we landed back at adoption.

Life got stressful. Things didn’t seem to be falling in place and and it really seemed like we were going to hit rock bottom.

One day – after the dust had settled – and a church service message relayed the thought about following God’s plan for your life and allowing him to control – we surrendered our hearts to the calling of adoption and began to research the process.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your way’s acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”

I sang a song in church called “even when it hurts” by Hillsong – the lyrics go like this:

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise you
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise you
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise

And my heart burns only for you
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for you
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise

Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise you
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise you
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise

I rehearsed this song in the car over and over again – often with my eyes closed as to keep myself from crying. “God, I am at the end of the road – please take this where we need to go” – I prayed on repeat for what seemed like ages.

This song became my anthem – no matter how long or hard this journey has been – I will sing your praise. I will keep fighting for your presence. This was October 2016 – We had been anxiously waiting for an adoption match for over 9 months and had been waiting over 2 years for that precious baby in our family.

About 2 weeks later – after leading this song in church – we got that phone call – a birth mother had requested to speak with us.

My emotions were going haywire and I had no idea how to proceed in this uncharted territory – but that was it. We were matched.

I had no idea that those conversations so early on would set our family on such a miraculous journey but I am so glad it did.  The sermon I mentioned at the very beginning of this post reflected on the idea of needing to focus on desiring Christ’s presence in our lives.

I am here to tell you that the journey of infertility can be long and the journey through adoption can be long – lifelong!  However, if that is you, and you are navigating this part of your life. Know there are people to speak to, know you are not alone, draw closer to our heavenly father and ask for him to take charge.

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.

-xoxo

 

 

 

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